Thinking of Home

Written on Oct. 9, 2022

It’s starting to feel like autumn here; the leaves on the trees are beginning to change colors and the days are typically in the 50-degree Fahrenheit range. Most days are overcast and there is usually a brisk wind pushing me off my bike. I bike 8-10 miles (13-16 km) every day to travel to and from school or the city. Needless to say, I’m exhausted.

Feelings update:

I have been using this blog somewhat like a journal. Here is a more personal journal entry. 

I am definitely suffering from FOMO (fear of missing out). I feel like I’ve been doing a lot but I also feel like I’m not doing enough. I have a list of things that I would love to do and see while I’m here in Amsterdam, but I’m afraid I won’t get to do them all. I’ve been here for almost two months and each week is flying by, but I’m here for less than five months total. I don’t like when the phrases “we’ll do it eventually,” or, “maybe next week” are used because there’s a high chance we won’t get the chance to do things later. I try to focus on what I have and I’m incredibly grateful for what I do get to experience every day, but this feeling of anxiety still tends to linger. I think one reason this feeling is so strong is because I spent almost three years planning my study abroad. Now that I am finally doing it, I’m afraid I won’t do enough. It’s not that I set high expectations for how my experience here will go, but I don’t want to go back home and regret not doing something while I was here. 

Often I worry that I’m missing out on some photography opportunities here. There is so much to see and so many things to take in, but when I take my camera out, it can be incredibly overwhelming. I am also not surrounded by other photographers anymore who want to go out and do photoshoots like at NAU. This was always motivation to try new things and keep taking photos, but now the only motivation comes from within. Sometimes telling myself to take photos feels more like a chore than something I actually want to do, which I think is because I’m not the biggest fan of street photography. I love ‘shooting on assignment,’ taking portraits, playing with lighting, and working more professionally as a photographer. That feels much different than going out on the street and deciding what to point my camera at. I think going forward, I need to give myself an assignment; I should ask myself what I want to focus on and what story I want to tell to narrow down what I am looking for on the street. 

Also, homesickness sucks. I keep seeing photos on Instagram of beautiful Flagstaff, Arizona where I go to school, and things that friends from home are doing together. There are little “American” cultural things that I miss as well, such as only shopping at one store for what I need, pumpkin patches during October, chain restaurants, and my self-care time in my car. It was my mom’s birthday this Saturday and I was a bit disappointed I had to miss it.

I rarely talk to anyone back in Arizona either. I’m not sure if this is because of the nine-hour time difference, because we’re all busy, or because we simply forget to contact each other. It’s probably a mixture of these reasons and more, but it sucks a bit to feel so separated from my life and the people back home. I try to post often on social media and I make these blogs extra detailed in case anyone is curious about what is going on in my life. It’s hard to keep people updated one by one when there are so many new things happening each day. If you’re from Arizona reading this, feel free to call me at any time. I’d love to hear about what’s going on in your life too. 

This week in school:

Now that we finished the briefs for my Brand Identity class, it was time for us to randomly pick someone else’s brief to carry out the change in design they wanted. I chose a 6-pack of milk made for children's lunch boxes. They are from a grocery store chain called Albert Heijn, which is very common in the Netherlands. However, since they are the store’s own brand, I get to create a new “company” brand name and a completely new package design focused on clean ingredients, sustainability, and fun for the kids. I began sketching my ideas for the redesign and had to come up with three different possible directions. In class this week, I presented these rough sketches for my professor and classmates to give feedback. For the new brand name, I found myself torn between two options: Blue Barn or Cool Cow Co. The class was also split on the name, so I put a poll up on my Instagram story and Cool Cow Co. won at 57% out of 67 votes. 

For my photography project, I have emailed multiple theaters and concert venues of various sizes across Amsterdam to ask if I could take photos backstage for my documentary on stagehands. I have yet to hear back from any of them, but I did visit one theater that I really hope I get the chance to work with. While I was there, they said they were contacting some other backstage managers to get approval and would get back to me next week. 

Lastly, we practiced different forms of light for portraits in class. I am very familiar with these types of light such as Rembrandt, Loop lighting, Butterfly lighting, Short light, and Broad light. These refer to what angle the light comes from and where shadows on the face appear.

This Week’s Activities:

On one rare sunny day, I decided to go sit in the grass at Oosterpark not far from my school. I had just learned that there was a gunman on campus back at the university in my hometown. There was very little information about what was happening and the news was reporting on the situation like a school shooter was on campus. At the time, I thought my friend was in danger because she was close to the incident and I was scared for her. I later found out that this was a targeted attack on my best friend’s professor. My friend was safe, but this still deeply affected her and brought attention to how apathetic the university was about the situation. I started thinking about all of the shootings and the gun control mess back in the US. I was angry and disappointed that this had happened, but at that moment in the confusion, I couldn’t fathom what I would do if I lost my best friend in a school shooting. My friend Viola from Germany joined me at the park and we talked about the topic a bit. We reflected on political issues between the US and Germany together and tried explaining topics to one another that we hadn’t heard of before. It was refreshing to discuss subjects like this so openly with simple curiosity and no judgment. 

On another day this week, I visited the NXT Museum with Silje and two guys from our building. This museum was full of ‘new-media art’ that was all digital. We went through many rooms where animated and video game-like art was projected onto walls. It wasn’t my favorite museum, but it was definitely an experience. 

This Saturday, our building threw a huge Halloween party in the common room. Since it was only October 8th, I quickly found a costume from what I had in my closet and dressed as a blonde Wednesday Addams. It was a bit strange because I only had to walk downstairs, but it was fantastic not needing to travel almost an hour like we normally do when we go out.